Why is He having so much fun with this?

I wanna be the girl who everyone worries about in the beginning. Married and happy and enjoying all that life has to offer and they are all wondering when she will finally settle down and have kids. Later on, when they are busy taking care of their 3 snot nosed brats, they will just be green with envy. Kvetching about their hard days filled with yelling threats and flushing toilets , long forgotten by the kids, that if they only knew what I knew. Kids suck! Well, most of the time, any way.

I love my kids. I protect them and cuddle with them. I play (dumb ass boring) games with them and color coloring book pictures with them. I take them to the park and the library. I make art projects with them. We create and explore. We laugh and giggle and we cry. We frikken cry.

If I knew what this life was gonna be like with kids..I wouldn't have had them. Why did no one warn us before we decided to screw and create. If only one person had pulled us aside and said, " I hope you don't mind me getting so personal, but.."Then it would be a decision we made against all good advice. What the hell did we get ourselves into?

When they were little, they were so adorable and we thought we had done good. HA! Jokes on us. If there is a God in this world..he is laughing his ass off . If he does exist in the capacity that less and less people believe he/she does, by the way, then he/she has having alot of fun at our expense. If he is enjoying this little play he's watching with front row seats, then what good is he anyway. I don't sit and laugh my ass off when my kids are suffering. And I just told you that I wish they were never born.

The day you learn why your kid is making all those funny noises and repeating all the words you say and throwing fits on the floor for 3 hours and never tiring, should be the day you are relieved that you know what is wrong and you are hopeful that you can help him. I remember sitting in a chair at the DOC's office and him telling me that my problems are OVER! What a riot! And I believed him. I thought he was the answer to all of our problems. Oh no! That was the beginning of a whole new hell called Tourette's Syndrome. If you never heard of it, Google it.

Why a loving caring God would do this to a child, I have no idea. Why a loving caring God would do this to a family with so much potential, I have no idea. Why a loving caring God would take a talented smart woman and rip her to shreds, I have no idea. But the one thing I do know, is that I love my child very much. So much it makes me cry watching her tic at night. It makes me cry watching her explode and her not being in control of herself at all. It makes me cry when I watch her lose friends, and then they all gone. It makes me cry when I listen to her as she tells me she has no will to live. It makes me cry when I think about her crossing the street and getting hit by a truck and me feeling relieved for her. That's how much she struggles in this life. I am only human and watching all this suffering tears me to pieces. If there is a loving and caring God, how can he/she stand it all before falling to pieces?

The other kids never had a chance. Once the TS really showed up to stay (uninvited, of coarse) the whole family was thrown off. OUCH! That hurt. It has been hurting ever since.