No!

That's a word I hear very often. OK, very very often. But in this house, "We don't say no to a mommy." So there are alot of quick, sweet apologies and even sometimes, the not so quick, time outs.

What do you do with a child who says it instinctively? Knee jerk reaction. NO! Poor girl won't see the rest of the house for about 3 years, if she sat in her room and thought about it, every time she started off like that. NO!

This morning started out like a typical Sunday morning. I'm wishing I could sleep some more and the rascals are fighting about who watches their show first. I get up and see them at the foot of my bed and I am in disbelief. How did that birds nest get in my bedroom?! Then I realize, as she turns her sweet face to me, that it is the back of her hair... and it truly looks like a birds nest.

Her hair has always been an issue. We (meaning I) always have to work very hard keeping it looking shiny and smooth every day. I have bought conditioners and no knots spray and washed her hair and brushed it immediately or washed it and brushed it while the conditioner is in. Nothing is foolproof. After we wished each other a good morning and talked about the show they wanted to watch, I said, " After Scooby Doo is over, I am going to put you in a bath and we are going to condition your hair so it'll be smooth and pretty."

NO!! Before I finished my sentence. NO!! Again. Just to make sure I heard. So intense. Why is a bath so threatening. Or is it just the fact that I am asking her to do something she doesn't want to do? I say what I say, when they tell me NO! " We don't say no to a mommy. Would you like to rephrase that?" Now, I just want you to know that I have no problem listening to my kids thoughts and opinions on matters. I just expect them to make their feelings clear in a respectful manner. NO!! is not an option. She just kept saying NO! I asked her to leave my room and she said NO!! I told her that it was unacceptable to speak to me that way. I told her to try and rephrase that and she said NO!!. Every time she said it, it took on new intensity. NO!!NO!!NO!!

Was this a tic? A NO!! tic? I was confused. Flustered. I crawled back under my covers and took 5. I decided under the covers that it most certainly was NOT a tic. Crawled right back out and said, " You need to leave my room and think about the way you are speaking to me. We don't say NO!! to a mommy. We could talk about this, but you need to be respectful." And she said, NO!!. So she was out of my room and yelling all kinds of fabulous things at me as she went to her room. As I opened my mouth to give her the "you are grounded till you're 30" she came back and said, " I am sorry mommy. But I don't wanna take a bath today. I'll take one tomorrow. Is that OK?" The thought of never watching TV again till she was 30 scared the living daylights of her. That's what got me my apology.

We worked it out and she got one of the no knots sprays . She sat in front of me and I sprayed and brushed and sprayed and brushed for 30 minutes. She watched her favorite show and I brushed her birds nest away. OW! My shoulder hurt from all of that brushing and pulling at knots and freeing the nest.

I feel bad about the homeless birds..bye bye birdies..but not bad enough to keep this birds nest around.

When we were done, I said, " Please go get dressed . We are going out soon." And she said, NO!!


I am waving a white flag. I give up.

There's always a calm before the storm. I am ready for the storm. It's tough not knowing when it'll be here, but I am fairly certain that it will be here soon.

She was away today. At a friends house. They had a sleepover. It was a peaceful quiet day, here. Now, we don't get those . Ever.
I was home all day with the others and we had a storybooklike day. We baked cookies. We made collages. We played SORRY. We read books. No drama. No YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO STOP FIGHTING OR THERE WILL NO TV TODAY. AT ALL! UNBELIEVABLE! None of that.
She was at her friends house. And we were so peaceful. It has to be the worst feeling to feel like if you could redo it, you'd have one less child. I felt that today. Most days, I feel that if I could redo it, I would have NO kids at all. One is gone and the numbers go up.

When she got home, she fell asleep on the couch. Must have been fun. Too much sugar, and loads of fun! It's still quiet here. I sit here waiting . I think I am prepared. I am not. I am never prepared. Even when I know it's coming. It's always worse than I imagined.

It could go like this: "Morning, sweetie. " " Good Morning mommy." " Please get dressed so you could get to school on time today."
And BAMM! There it is. The hot lava pours from the open top of the just moments before , peaceful beautiful volcano. And I am completely thrown. I wanna run, screaming, down the mountain. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get burnt by the foaming hot lava coming at me.

Recovery can take moments. It can take hours. My eye twitches from the control I am exercising. Controlling myself from slapping her and barking orders. Controlling myself from getting my coat and bag and fleeing. Forever. It doesn't take much. But it feels huge.

Peeking into her cozy room, I can see her wrapped in her blanket. She is holding her stuffed leopard close to her heart. Her hair is spread out on her pillow, behind her. There is peace here. Calm. The calm before the storm. I am grateful for this moment. It keeps me from fleeing. For now.

Why is He having so much fun with this?

I wanna be the girl who everyone worries about in the beginning. Married and happy and enjoying all that life has to offer and they are all wondering when she will finally settle down and have kids. Later on, when they are busy taking care of their 3 snot nosed brats, they will just be green with envy. Kvetching about their hard days filled with yelling threats and flushing toilets , long forgotten by the kids, that if they only knew what I knew. Kids suck! Well, most of the time, any way.

I love my kids. I protect them and cuddle with them. I play (dumb ass boring) games with them and color coloring book pictures with them. I take them to the park and the library. I make art projects with them. We create and explore. We laugh and giggle and we cry. We frikken cry.

If I knew what this life was gonna be like with kids..I wouldn't have had them. Why did no one warn us before we decided to screw and create. If only one person had pulled us aside and said, " I hope you don't mind me getting so personal, but.."Then it would be a decision we made against all good advice. What the hell did we get ourselves into?

When they were little, they were so adorable and we thought we had done good. HA! Jokes on us. If there is a God in this world..he is laughing his ass off . If he does exist in the capacity that less and less people believe he/she does, by the way, then he/she has having alot of fun at our expense. If he is enjoying this little play he's watching with front row seats, then what good is he anyway. I don't sit and laugh my ass off when my kids are suffering. And I just told you that I wish they were never born.

The day you learn why your kid is making all those funny noises and repeating all the words you say and throwing fits on the floor for 3 hours and never tiring, should be the day you are relieved that you know what is wrong and you are hopeful that you can help him. I remember sitting in a chair at the DOC's office and him telling me that my problems are OVER! What a riot! And I believed him. I thought he was the answer to all of our problems. Oh no! That was the beginning of a whole new hell called Tourette's Syndrome. If you never heard of it, Google it.

Why a loving caring God would do this to a child, I have no idea. Why a loving caring God would do this to a family with so much potential, I have no idea. Why a loving caring God would take a talented smart woman and rip her to shreds, I have no idea. But the one thing I do know, is that I love my child very much. So much it makes me cry watching her tic at night. It makes me cry watching her explode and her not being in control of herself at all. It makes me cry when I watch her lose friends, and then they all gone. It makes me cry when I listen to her as she tells me she has no will to live. It makes me cry when I think about her crossing the street and getting hit by a truck and me feeling relieved for her. That's how much she struggles in this life. I am only human and watching all this suffering tears me to pieces. If there is a loving and caring God, how can he/she stand it all before falling to pieces?

The other kids never had a chance. Once the TS really showed up to stay (uninvited, of coarse) the whole family was thrown off. OUCH! That hurt. It has been hurting ever since.